Character of God

Episode 4: Character of God Let’s get crazy and bruised. I’m Todd Baggaley. I’m your lone host today. This episode is a segway from the general experiences of our family to the enlightenment it brought us. Its kind of an answer to “what makes you think anyone would want to listen to a podcast of you” type episode. It will be short - 15 to 20 minutes…so it will be a good one to share with your family and friends, and even people you don’t generally care for. I have a hard time promoting myself in all aspects of life. I will work on the invitation tagline. For now let’s just say I sarcastically asked you NOT share this podcast with everyone you know. As we discussed in previous episodes it was Dec 2019 when I began to recover from 2 years of treatment resistant depression. Almost as soon as I crawled out of the madness I was met with mixed feelings. Rightly So! I was a complex character. Most considered me a wounded lamb requiring care. They were not expecting a dogmatic voice to emerge out of my catatonic state. What did emerge was more lion than lamb. The discoveries locked in my mind over the previous two years now had a voice to release them. I knew what I had learned in the madness had significant value, and it’s message could enrich the lives of many I loved. However, that same message had a significant drawback. It would aggravate the conventionally minded, and further marginalize me as emotionally compromised. [That was the situation. A message worth sharing, one likely to disrupt the mainstream, entrusted to the mind of a crazy man. ] PAUSE There was one advantage in getting the message out. I didn’t care what others thought of me. So I unashamedly shared some thoughts and made a few people uncomfortable. These were friends, these were family, they were people of my faith. We shared common beliefs. So what set apart my ideas from those who believed in the same God? In general, mine was a shift in the comprehension of God’s character. So prepare you listening, this SHIFT is not easy to swallow. These evident but unsung Godly traits don’t easily gel with present day culture. When I would share my thoughts, the cultural discord made it difficult for my listeners to consider the message.[Think flat earth vs. round earth - same object, different shape - huge mindbender.] What I asked of them, as I ask of you, is similar to a request made by the prophet Alma. See if you can give place for a portion of the words. Let the ideas and examples “find a space” as my friend Joel would say. Don’t dismiss them outright. Let them simmer a bit. You may discover our Santa Claus-like image of God could be the flat earth equivalent of a truly rounded, higher-dimensional Deity. Of course you should be aware that to gain any knowledge has a cost. For this information you must prepare yourself to feel uncomfortable…and when I say uncomfortable I mean like Abraham/Isaac uncomfortable, like imprisoned Joseph uncomfortable, like Son of God, nailed to the cross, “Why hast thou forsaken me” industrial strength uncomfortable. And, yes, there is reason your consent to discomfort is required. The reason being that the one condition to activate this perspective is a concession that your view of God’s character is INCOMPLETE - painfully incomplete. Now when I offer this condition you may think it absurd and say to yourself - “I already know God’s Goodness. You can tell me no more of Him.” But recall, even on the cross, Christ had to recalibrate His understanding of His Father’s character. He made that evident when He admitted surprise at the Father’s act of abandonment. Pause here…Think that over. In the last moments of His life CHRIST was shocked by the way His Father acted. Again - “WHY...hast thou forsaken me.” If understood and expected, why ask why? Even if the question is rhetorical - like He is asking it of Himself, it is evident Christ lacks the information. So…if Christ, in all His knowledge, did not understand the purpose for the affliction His Father subjected Him to, then do any of us wholly understand God’s character. And if you say that you DO, what separates your character from His. Are we, with our culturally kind God, and our longing to “be like Jesus” prepared to comprehend God at our own imminent (though productive) moment of abandonment? Are you ready to be bruised? Now don’t turn the podcast off just yet if you feel offended. This is not a bashing God pod. Quite the opposite. This is an enlightening God pod. The intent is actually to understand God more completely - ESPECIALLY when it’s uncomfortable. If we can help each other understand that the hard parts are the most productive, we can anticipate our trials with better preparation. That is why I often imagine God as playing random types of roles of the human experience. As a supremely rational Being, His most effective tool in teaching us about His character is the world we live in. Just as we analyze the animal kingdom to enlighten us about ourselves, likewise God uses our inferior social interactions to teach us about the practicality of His higher realm. So imagine …God the Father as a wrestling coach…preferably a WWE wrestling coach. And please don’t take offense to the personification traits I apply in these scenarios. It is purely so that I can express a complex idea better than my mind and mouth can produce…and also make it easier to remember. So again, imagine God the Father as a wrestling coach and Jesus as my tag team partner. I’m in the ring getting pummeled and Jesus gets ready to step in - to which God says: Whoa, whoa, whoa…cool the jets there, Jesus. Yes…yes…I know…Todd usually needs a lot of help. What was that…? No…nobody doubts you’d have this wrapped up in seconds - you show-off. What I’m saying is let’s give Todd a few minutes/years in there alone. I need him to see what strength he has within himself. Todd has the capability to fight this demon on his own, he just needs the opportunity to prove it to himself. And, Big J you know this, if We bail him out right now Todd won’t reach his potential. Comprendo? All this time I’ve taken several kidney punches and fractured my clavicle, to which God cheers Yes…That’s It…keep taking the beating. And then he yells, “Hey…Hey…Holy Ghost!!! Where’d you come from. Get off the ropes, ya sneak…I see you over there trying to influence. I just got done telling, Big J, don’t even think about it. No…No…YES. Yes, you’re right, Ghost! That IS TRUE!!! I don’t care that Todd’s crying!!! Have you seen Todd fight before? Those tears are the sign that he is about to take it to the next level. This image helps me appreciate when I feel forsaken by Him, it is not because He is sadistic. Instead, He does so because the experience of being forsaken maximizes my personal growth. Placing me on the battlefield alone, I can prove to myself my own strength and potential. Especially if I no longer require Christ's crutch on the matter. Basically, a spiritual and emotional provident living. Again, if God exists, the benefit is to know the whole of Him. Not to limit our understanding to only that which we like. If you truly intend to be like Jesus and the Father, your desire would be to understand Them completely. That means having the courage to use your eyes to see and your ears to hear. So…Then… Why the Podcast? Several times during bouts with severe depression, I found myself struggling with the stigma of my condition. Initially, I was the one giving myself grief: - Todd, why are you such an unmotivated bum… Pull it together…Why can I be motivated and aggressive in three soccer games and then disappear for the next five…Nobody else is as fatigued as you are, you must just be a woos. And then I’d start in with the church line’s - “Men are that they might have joy” …that’s a quip I played through my head many times. From that fashionable (though widely out of context) statement, I supposed God’s intent was for me to be flush with joy. Its absence inferred I was doing something wrong. And as this thought was reaffirmed by church culture (including the advice of several church leaders on the matter) I was convinced the problem was a spiritual lack of effort. To combat it I dove into an intense level of spiritual commitment for a prolonged period of time. What was the outcome??? 1. predictable social disdain from those around me and 2. Even deeper depression. This was actually an integral moment in my progress as I finally understood the issue was not a spiritual problem, but a biological one. It enabled me to address things more effectively. Not waste my time chasing some cultural ghost. However, what didn’t change was the cultural distortion that happiness equates righteousness. Even now, as it was then, I’m regularly disappointed in the Pollyanna expectations promoted through church culture. If there ever was reason for me to call it quits on church involvement, it would be because of the gap of expectation created between church culture and reality. I have truly felt disappointment in the difference between conditions promoted in our culture of happiness and what ended up being my ultimate reality. And I am not alone. Think about how many people you know who have walked away from church activity. Maybe you are even one of them. Whether the reason be doctrinal, historical, cultural, or emotional, a believer turned non-believer nearly always has a moment when they realize…”this is not what I thought it was.” We are setting people up for failure. And we are doing it in the name of God. Alright, maybe that’s a bit too dramatic. Most of you probably think so. But, a few of you definitely do not. Regardless, the situation is far more complex than a simple bait and switch sales scheme. And obviously more complex than simply “ask and receive, knock and it shall be opened to you.” So let me say I know that such gaps of expectation are different for all who look to God for joy. My opportunity has been to reconcile what I knew to be TRUE*** with my own distorted emotional experience with severe depression and anxiety. The primary purpose of the podcast is to offer help and hope to those like me - whose emotions don’t match cultural norms, yet regardless, still desire to participate in God’s work. And secondarily, to help the general population understand that fluffy gospel rhetoric can be a double-edged sword. *TRUE - Okay…actually, Let me step back here to clarify. When I say what i knew to be true I’m referring to several profound events throughout my life in which I experienced an acute undeniable and unprecedented physiologic or psychological phenomenon that was either firmly associated with an intense search for heavenly guidance, or as a preparatory precursor to an unexpected prolonged trial. Knowing that each of these experiences was wholly subjective. Only I experienced them. No one else can verify their validity. Either they came from a Higher dimension or my mind/body complex, without the use of illicit drugs, created some weird (though timely)inspiring crap at some opportune times. So again, my opportunity has been to reconcile what I knew to be TRUE*** with my own distorted emotional experience with severe depression and anxiety. The primary purpose of the podcast is to offer help and hope to those like me - whose emotions don’t match cultural norms, yet regardless, still desire to participate in God’s work. And secondarily, to help the general population understand that fluffy gospel rhetoric can be a double-edged sword. As our podcast episodes continue we do not intend to limit ourselves to our own story. To progress productively, we (Lindsay and I) intend to interview people in addition to sharing our own experiences and thoughts. Those we interview will hopefully come from a variety of different backgrounds and struggles…because we’ve found that hardships aren’t exclusive to the depressed and suicidal. What we have found is that there are a good amount of commonalities between the experiences of those who suffer from all different backgrounds. MORE importantly, there are some rare enlightenments that can only be realized by unique individuals, Providently prepared beforehand, who are subjected to circumstances they would otherwise run from. One of the greatest examples of this (sadly we can’t interview him…he’s dead) is Doctor Viktor Frankl - a neurologist, psychiatrist, philosopher, Jew who, as a prisoner, entered into the Nazi prison camps with an inspired idea concerning “mankind’s meaning in life even when they (mankind) are subjected to the worst of human circumstances.” One could make argument that Providence purposefully guided such a man into, through, and out of the Nazi prison camp system, not for the purpose of allowing others their agency, but to enable potential. It seems Frankl would make that argument himself as he discusses the substance of love in his World Wide Best-Seller Man’s Search for Meaning. In it he explains: Love is the only way to grasp another human being in the innermost core of his personality. No one can become fully aware of the very essence of another human being unless he loves him. By his love he is enabled to see the essential traits and features in the beloved person; and even more, he sees that which is POTENTIAL in him, which is not yet actualized but yet ought to be actualized. Furthermore, by his love, the loving person enables the beloved person to actualize the potentialities. By making him aware of what he can be and of what he should become, he makes these potentialities come true. Now with that in mind, consider the following words of Jesus Christ: John 15:9-12 As the Father hath loved me, so have I loved you: continue ye in my love. 10If ye keep my commandments, ye shall abide in my love; even as I have kept my Father's commandments, and abide in his love. 11These things have I spoken unto you, that my joy might remain in you, and that your joy might be full. 12This is my commandment, That ye love one another, as I have loved you. 1 Makes one think, if your concept of love does not exercise the courage to stir potential within those you love, is it truly love at all. Since the age of 15 I’ve been very active in the LDS religion. Whether as a youth, or an adult, when life became emotionally stressful I’d commonly get the “Pray more, scripture more, temple more” response as if my sadness and apathy were a direct result of poor spiritual effort. Had I not had significant personal confirmation of God’s existence previously, I would have walked away from Him long ago. Yet because of personal confirmation I stuck around, working continuously to reconcile the rhetoric of church culture with my life experience. Twenty-eight years later…I’ve reconciled a substantial amount. A reconciliation that could help many others. Because I know there are many who have similar religious conflict. And whether theirs be the result of emotional disorders, historical concerns, or doctrinal issue my experience can help some find their own reconciliation. I am confident that I have a unique perspective on God’s purpose for nearly every subjective or objective concern. To which many listeners, especially the cynical ones like myself, express doubtful sarcasm. “Sure…you’ve got a unique perspective.” To which I’d respond in kind - “Yeah…You’re probably right…I’m sure there’s many active, previously suicidal church members who talk openly about their ideations. I mean, who hasn’t asked God what spiritual benefit comes from a desire for death. Unique perspective. Hopefully we can offer some. That’s it for this episode. Thanks for getting bruised. See you next time.